“And this again have you done, you have covered the altar of the Lord with tears, with weeping, and bellowing, so that I have no more a regard to sacrifice, neither do I accept any atonement at your hands.  And you have said: For what cause? Because the Lord hath been witness between thee, and the wife of thy youth, whom thou hast despised: yet she was thy partner, and the wife of thy covenant.  Did not one make her, and she is the residue of his spirit? And what doth one seek, but the seed of God? Keep then your spirit, and despise not the wife of thy youth.” ~ Malachi 2
I cannot now find the disgusting article I briefly scanned yesterday, but it was written about “what to do” when your ex-husband or ex-wife “marries” someone new. The basic advice was, if for example, they like their step parent, put your children’s feelings ahead of your own, because that’s what being a parent means blah blah.
Sorry, no. The time to do that was *before* you got divorced, you cretin. (I’m addressing the article author there). There are many issues at play, but there is no way that good behaviour can be determined by the feelings of one person or another. Good grief! This is simply a nightmare of a minefield of emotions.
No, what we need here – and at all times – are good morals. Let me demonstrate.
Take the situation of an abandoned husband, who did nothing seriously deserving of marital separation (ie no violence, or adultery). These days it’s more likely that women will leave their husbands for no good reason. So, the idiotic article advised that he simply has to lump everything because everyone else’s feeeeeeeelings come first. This is because the only rule that now exists is that adulterers should never feel bad. That would be wrong! And mean. And judgmental.
Let me give our fictional man some proper advice. You’ve done nothing seriously wrong if there was no violence in the marriage, you’re not a psychopath, and you didn’t commit adultery. Because your children love and need both you and their mother it is indeed best if you try hard not to slag her off in their presence. This is indeed where you need to try to put their feelings ahead of yours. But here’s the thing. Because the slut left you and is now committing adultery with someone else, doesn’t mean you have to tolerate more embarrassment and general garbage from these adulterers. As far as possible have as little to do with them as you can. While not slagging off their mother, do find a gentle way to tell your children that what she has done is wrong. Do let them know it’s still right for them to love her, but that loving her doesn’t mean agreeing with everything she does. These messages have to be geared towards a child’s maturity level, of course. There is nothing in the Rule Book which says you have to like anything your “ex-wife” (in fact, your wife, regardless of wicked laws) does or says or thinks. You certainly don’t have to like the blackguard she’s committing adultery with (even if they are in a fake “marriage”) or anything about him. Your main job is to protect your poor children from him, if you can, because even if he’s not actually violent to them, he is a very bad example. Unfortunately, the law is not on your side in any of this, so be careful. In most cases, I think, your best way forward is to be as good an example to everyone around you, but that means having firm principles and trying hard to stick to them. You might not think you are needed, but you actually are, more than ever. Things aren’t always as they seem.
Whatever you do, don’t give in to other people’s idiotic views about how you should see things! In this case, you’re right and these two are wrong. It doesn’t give you the right to exact revenge – it gives you the confidence to act justly. Assert your fatherly rights as much as you can.
But what happens when the children start to talk a lot about their mother, and particularly if they talk about their “step father.” You can probably act in a number of reasonable ways, but if it were me, I would simply make it a rule that the children are not allowed to speak to me of this person, unless there is something bad happening that you need to know about, in order to protect them. Make it clear that it’s a rule. You don’t even have to tell them why, because you are their father and they owe you obedience, but you could simply say “because I don’t like it, and I don’t need to hear it.” And you don’t need to hear it. It’s perfectly fine to put your legitimate needs ahead of other people’s whims and nonsense. The poor children are actually in need of strong guidance and that’s actually what you’re giving them here. Don’t teach them to be a doormat.
Do not think a new “relationship” for you will fix things, either. It won’t. It will certainly make things much worse, not least because adultery is evil, and it will eat away at your soul. Don’t be fooled by all the adulterers who seem happy. Incidentally, why do people seem to believe that most marriages are unhappy, but most adulterous relationships are happy? How stupid! If the person you chose to be with the first time made you unhappy, why wouldn’t the second one? Good grief! Don’t people pay attention?
Stop the crap. Grow a brain. Grow a spine. Fix yourself! And then start to fix those around you by simply holding the line. Do this as consistently as possible for about a decade or so, and eventually the semi-reasonable people close to you will “get it” and the rest won’t be worth troubling with. For the obstinate people in your life, you need to pray and fast. Also, keeping contact to a minimum is probably best for all.
This is the best advice you’ll ever get on divorce and “remarriage” (ie adultery) if I say so myself. 🙂